clean jokes and funny stories

Add a Comment

87 Comments

Comment by Margaret Goodwin on 11 June 2009 at 2:24pm

From my mate in China -

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every
once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Comment by Bill on 5 May 2009 at 9:08am

Perhaps this should be in the Health advice section!!!!!!!!!

Test for Dementia
> >
> >
> > >
> > > Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
> them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
> > > Let's find out just how clever you really are.
> > >
> > > Ready? GO!!! (page down)
> > >
> > >
> > > First Question:
> > >
> > >
> > > You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
> > > position are you in?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
> > > If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Try not to screw up in the next question.
> > > To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Second Question:
> > > If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> > >
> > > Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > You're not very good at this! Are you?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Third Question:
> > > Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
> > >
> > >
> > > Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
> another
> > > 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
> > > Now add 10. What is the total?
> > >
> > > Scroll down for answer.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Did you get 5000?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The correct answer is actually 4100.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not
> your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Fourth Question:
> > >
> > >
> > > Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
> > > What is the name of the fifth daughter?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Answer: Nunu?
> > >
> > >
> > > NO! Of course not.
> > > Her name is Mary. Read the question again
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Okay, now the bonus round:
> > > There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
> > > action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
> > >
> > > Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
> > >
> > > SMART PEOPLE
> > >
> > > IN YOUR LIFE!
> > >

Comment by Bill on 3 May 2009 at 7:55am

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 1 May 2009 at 12:49pm

Dare I say I got some oinkment for my rashers????

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 1 May 2009 at 12:48pm

So I phoned the NHS and all I got was crackling.......

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 1 May 2009 at 12:46pm

WAAAAA, I caught swine flu and I'm absolutely covered in rashers....

Comment by david burcombe on 30 April 2009 at 7:37am

Asked what the colour of the birthmark was on his wifes pubes black red blue or puse Our friend said I will have to ask the lodger
it has come to our notice that employees are dropping dead whilst working. To enable us to know if you are dead or alive we will wave a 50 pound note under your eyes if you do nor respond we will assume you are dead and ask you to pay back your last months wages

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 27 April 2009 at 11:16am

Proof that Men Have Better Friends than Women:

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at
a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he
was still there.

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 31 March 2009 at 10:19pm

Paddy goes on mastemind.....
Thinks Sherlock Holmes is a block of flats
Thinks the Andes are on the end of his wristies
Thinks an itchyfanny is a japanese motorbike (sorry!)
Thinks a donkey jacket is made from animal skins

Comment by ARTHUR HITCHENS on 29 March 2009 at 9:43pm

Pat and Mick were in a country pub and overheard a conversation about how to poach (steal) trout by tickling them and scooping them out when they are relaxed.....so they decide to have a go and set off in search of trout......they came across a bridge and it was agreed that Pat would dangle Mick over the bridge by his feet.....two hours later Mick shouted "Quick pull me up"....."have you caught a trout" asked Mick......."no" shouts Mick....."there's a bloody train coming!"

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9